Mama Llama tired of drama

 It seems like there is always something. That something can be as small as a skinned knee or as big as a loss of a family member, but it's always there, waiting to happen. This month has been a month of events, and we're not halfway through.
  We've been married for nearly 7 years and we finally own something outright. We've rented since we got engaged, we've had a car payment or lease since before that. It feels good to actually own our car. Of course it died a little after we paid it off. Murphy's Law (as my mom would say), but nothing a few hundred bucks couldn't fix. It's not these big ones that really turn my mood though, it's the little ones. Like how I decided to use a (heavy) plastic spatula to push the oven rack back in with a heavy lasagna on the rack yesterday. Of course the spatula snapped and I ended up hurting myself. I was already tired and cranky and that didn't help my mood. My mood made the kids cranky. Our combined moods made my hubby cranky. By the end of the evening we were a house full of grumps and all because mom didn't get enough sleep the night before.
 It's amazing how one thing for one person can change the entire mood of your house. Especially when it's mom. When my son has a bad day though (which we have many of at this age) his mood effects mine, which effects my daughter and husband. It's a chain reaction of cranky and it's very hard to avoid.
 My goal for the month is to work on not passing off my bad mood on the rest of the house. It's really not my husband's fault that he comes home to this. He's been gone all day and that's what I am holding against him when he comes in the door and adds more to the pile of  'needs' that I have to take care of when I've let my emotional bank account run dry. I need to try harder not to take it out on him. To remember that he's not just one more thing I have to 'deal with'. Too often dad is the odd man out. By the time I've got the kids squared away, there's nothing left for him.
 I usually sit in, what I guess I could describe as depression or grief, and don't let on that I'm in emotional turmoil inside (often for what seems to be no reason) I really don't like to admit that I struggle with depression. I have a good life, I have two amazing kids, close family and a good husband. I've had this problem for as long as I can remember, as a teenager I considered it 'angst' in my early 20's I went through an emotionally trying (and life long) experience which served as the explanation for it, but now that I am 30 married (happily most days) and I have my two beautiful children, I have no explanation for it. I'm generally a happy person. I find true joy in my life. Sometimes though, I get sad. So sad that I just cry. Not for any reason, sure some things set it off like normal people (what is normal anyway?) but sometimes I am just going about my daily business and I just feel this crushing weight and I just cry. I live in fear of these days, weeks or even months where nothing makes sense. I fall back into them and I start feeling desperation, desperation for relief, for joy for happiness. I sabotage my relationship, starting fights for no reason. I feel overwhelmed by normal life and it's all I can do to get out of bed.
 I'm going through one of these times right now and I'm wondering why I have been so afraid to admit it to anyone, especially my husband. I feel so much shame about what my brain and/or body do to me. God made me this way, so why am I so ashamed of this imperfection? I choose to be alone in it, because I am afraid of how people would think of me. I suppose I can't be now that I've shared it. I don't know who will read this (if anyone) but if you stuck it out thanks for 'listening'. No one tells you how hard it is to be a mom, not the diapers and feeding and bathing part, but the emotional part.