Be Vulnerable

“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel.”

At MOPS we have been talking about and hearing about showing our true selves, and being vulnerable. Knowing we are not alone in our trials.
Friday night our third little blessing joined our family in a stunningly fast entrance into this world. From the start she was teaching me to let go of what *I* planned and to embrace what God had planned for me. A very quick natural child birth when you planned for hours and an epidural really makes you think.
 The experience was amazing and horrible all at once (which really sums up child birth for the most part). Now our perfect little daughter is making her spot in our family.
 Her perfect little pictures with her perfect little headbands and sweet face are what I am showing Facebook friends and family. There's another side to being a new mama, one that isn't the elated totally in love mama that we share with the world. It's the mama that is so tired that she yells at her poor son because he's constantly acting out now that this new little sister is 'taking his place as the baby', or crying for half an hour in bed because yelled at said son so she's obviously failing as a parent. In those moments it's hard to see that it's not failure when we make a mistake, because mistakes are how we learn.
 I snuggle my son and remind him that, no matter what, he will always be mommy's baby boy. My special guy. I know that he is struggling too. He's cranky and scared. I hope he forgives me the way I forgive him, even though it's not so easy for him to understand what I'm going through. These not so perfect moments aren't shared. No one comes to a meeting or coffee date and says "I messed up" we say we're fine, things are hard sometimes, but we're coping. Sometimes honesty just feels so uncomfortable that we can't manage it.
 My older daughter is up all night screaming because she's in pain. This happens when she's over tired or stressed. More guilt for mama because it's obviously due to the new baby and not having as much time for big sister, more stress because listening to your child screaming in what must be intense pain (whether physical or emotional) and not being able to offer any relief is torture. It literally feels like being stabbed in the heart. 

These things are real life. Not the matching Gymboree outfits or tidy house and balanced meals, but these are the things we hide in ourselves rather than admitting that we're imperfect. I'm writing today to relieve some of the stress and let go of some of the guilt I've felt this week, and also to share these imperfections that are a part of me and who I really am. A mom who makes mistakes, is often a terrible house keeper and suffers from various anxieties and mild depression that cause panic attacks when faced with normal situations (like talking to people in person, having people I don't know VERY well in my home, taking my kids places with other people.... normal things that 'normal people' do all the time without having a break down)
When people say that they don't know how I do it (usually referring to the home schooling) all I really want to say is "I don't know either" what I usually do say is that it's a daily struggle. Some days it's a struggle just to get out of bed, some days we completely skip school (and by some days I mean that we've gone for two weeks now without the traditional schooling because I just can't right now). I'm not perfect, I'm not even close, but as they say "Be patient, God isn't finished with me yet"
If you made it this far, I hope that what you'll take from this is that  we are all wonderful, but we are also all imperfect and still being formed and worked.  Isaiah 64:8 says "Yet you, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."