Mama Llama tired of drama

 It seems like there is always something. That something can be as small as a skinned knee or as big as a loss of a family member, but it's always there, waiting to happen. This month has been a month of events, and we're not halfway through.
  We've been married for nearly 7 years and we finally own something outright. We've rented since we got engaged, we've had a car payment or lease since before that. It feels good to actually own our car. Of course it died a little after we paid it off. Murphy's Law (as my mom would say), but nothing a few hundred bucks couldn't fix. It's not these big ones that really turn my mood though, it's the little ones. Like how I decided to use a (heavy) plastic spatula to push the oven rack back in with a heavy lasagna on the rack yesterday. Of course the spatula snapped and I ended up hurting myself. I was already tired and cranky and that didn't help my mood. My mood made the kids cranky. Our combined moods made my hubby cranky. By the end of the evening we were a house full of grumps and all because mom didn't get enough sleep the night before.
 It's amazing how one thing for one person can change the entire mood of your house. Especially when it's mom. When my son has a bad day though (which we have many of at this age) his mood effects mine, which effects my daughter and husband. It's a chain reaction of cranky and it's very hard to avoid.
 My goal for the month is to work on not passing off my bad mood on the rest of the house. It's really not my husband's fault that he comes home to this. He's been gone all day and that's what I am holding against him when he comes in the door and adds more to the pile of  'needs' that I have to take care of when I've let my emotional bank account run dry. I need to try harder not to take it out on him. To remember that he's not just one more thing I have to 'deal with'. Too often dad is the odd man out. By the time I've got the kids squared away, there's nothing left for him.
 I usually sit in, what I guess I could describe as depression or grief, and don't let on that I'm in emotional turmoil inside (often for what seems to be no reason) I really don't like to admit that I struggle with depression. I have a good life, I have two amazing kids, close family and a good husband. I've had this problem for as long as I can remember, as a teenager I considered it 'angst' in my early 20's I went through an emotionally trying (and life long) experience which served as the explanation for it, but now that I am 30 married (happily most days) and I have my two beautiful children, I have no explanation for it. I'm generally a happy person. I find true joy in my life. Sometimes though, I get sad. So sad that I just cry. Not for any reason, sure some things set it off like normal people (what is normal anyway?) but sometimes I am just going about my daily business and I just feel this crushing weight and I just cry. I live in fear of these days, weeks or even months where nothing makes sense. I fall back into them and I start feeling desperation, desperation for relief, for joy for happiness. I sabotage my relationship, starting fights for no reason. I feel overwhelmed by normal life and it's all I can do to get out of bed.
 I'm going through one of these times right now and I'm wondering why I have been so afraid to admit it to anyone, especially my husband. I feel so much shame about what my brain and/or body do to me. God made me this way, so why am I so ashamed of this imperfection? I choose to be alone in it, because I am afraid of how people would think of me. I suppose I can't be now that I've shared it. I don't know who will read this (if anyone) but if you stuck it out thanks for 'listening'. No one tells you how hard it is to be a mom, not the diapers and feeding and bathing part, but the emotional part.

It's been awhile!

Miss Sassy's birthday is coming up and Little Man's has just passed. Soon I'll be a mother to a 5 year old pre-K and an official toddler. Where has the time gone?

Both the kids have fallen head over heels for the Toy Story series. A favorite of mine, so I'm happy about it but, at the same time, how many times a day can you watch "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" before you start pulling all your hair out?
I've started to call Little Man "Baby Buzz". He runs around in a Buzz Lightyear themed outfit or the Buzz costume dragging his beloved Blue George and one of the many Buzz's everywhere he goes. This week he's really into "fist bumping". We've started potty training, which he's only interested in because he gets to wear Buzz Pull-Ups. My little guy is growing up way too fast.

We've been watching my 5 year old niece 4 days a week. It's been fun, but trying on my patience. The girls (BFF cousins only 6 months and 10 days apart) are either up to no good, or fighting like sisters. Oiy! We do love having The Princess here though. She's hilarious, constantly cracking me up. She's all girl so it's been fun having someone around who actually enjoys having her nails painted and her hair brushed. Always in a dress and always eager for a bow in her hair, she's adorable.

Our other new addition is a little sister for Homer and Kilbert, our cats. Her name is Sega Genesis and she's insane, but so cute that it makes your eyes water. She belongs to Miss Sassy. She loves her to death, but we have to save poor Sega from her and The Princess often. Their love is just a little too much for a kitten sometimes.

Miss Sassy for president

As always Miss Sassy is keeping us sharp. Last night at dinner there was a fork dropping moment as we discussed her name. The conversation started out innocent enough, with her saying she'd like to be a teacher. She told us she'd like her name to be "Miss Katie" when she grew up (I realize I don't post her real name here, but it is not Katie). Miss Katie is her Sunday School teacher, I explained that if she grew up to be a teacher that she would be "Miss Sassy" (only I used her real name of course) she told me that she didn't want to be Miss Sassy. I asked her why she didn't like her name and she says "Oh mommy, it's too restricting of course." My fork dropped onto my plate, I pushed my chair out and announced that I was done. This child, at age four, is smarter than her mother.
A few days back I heard "Don't tell me not to climb on things mommy, because I'm the president and that's RUDE" so; Miss Sassy for president 2037!

Little Angels

The kids are doing well. Miss Sassy continues to thrive, doing very well in school. Her art is still amazing me, and her speech has improved greatly. We're still working on our 'p' words, but she is definitely trying harder and getting them out correctly more often. I love hearing her say tomato!
Little Man is growing faster than I know how to keep up with. He is over 25lbs now and his pediatrician said to him "Well, you're a big guy aren't you?!". He does the sweetest things. He mimics his sister in the things she does, and now makes the little 'eating noises' when he pretends to eat or feeds his dolls or Georges. We play "where's your button?" where he lifts up his shirt and proudly puffs out his belly and declares "TONNNNNNNNN!".

Foosballs the devil

Missy Sassy was sitting on my bed as I flipped channels. There was a football game on one channel and, upon seeing it, she says "WOW! Mommy! We have football on our tv just like my papa?!"

Commercials

A commercial for shoe organizers comes on and Miss Sassy says "Mommy, can we buy some shoes, then buy those boxes? Then the shoes will be safe". My daughter is apparently very susceptible to advertising. I can't believe she doesn't ask me for every toy on TV, but asks me to buy shoes and shoe organizers.... Oh Miss Sassy you are too funny!

Fall!

Finally fall is coming. I have been waiting for cooler weather for, what seems like, an eternity now.
Miss Sassy has started preschool again, only to have her school closed for the week because of an H1N1 scare. Smart as a whip, she keeps us on our toes. We find ourselves trying to stifle our laughter at the things she says and does, frequently. Every day she comes out with a new word or phrase or funny expression. Having her around is a happiness that overfills my heart and makes me want to cry tears of joy. She is a brave superhero who killed an evil spider for her poor weak mommy.


Little Man is running, climbing, and making me crazy as ever. With a personality is as big as life now, he is starting to use more words, but still sticks to his gestures most of the time. Nothing is easier than making him smile and when he does you can't help but smile too.